pics

Well I figured out how to add pics... this is one... This is Luke, for whoever may not know what he looks like... god I miss him...

about:blank

Well every one has heard about what happened with me and Damien.
I know what happened the whole night, and if you want the whole story of what happened, the link is http://damino-effect.blogspot.com/2005/01/another-early-morning-post.html
I cant say it didn't happen, I cant deny that I didnt do anything back.

But since Luke is gone from my life, since he broke up with me. In a way I havnt been me, I havnt been like this before. It's like I've been me, in control, but someone else in a way, but not like a split personality.. like... oh, gosh this is so hard to explain.. Without me sounding like a paranormal freak...
Its like something else is me. Like I cant be me anymore. Like when Damien came over, I was ready to tell him no, don't try anything on me if u were thinking of it, you are Luke's best friend!
And yet he proceeded to.. and I did nothing except sit there and do what I did... kiss him back and so on and so forth...
But I think about what happened now. I dont see how I didnt stop him. God I was an emotional trainwreck. If any other time when I wasnt in the whole depressive whats-going-on-in-my-life state I was in everything would be different.

But now I am hated by Luke. He hates me, Tina hates me, Hayley hates me, Steph hates me. Any others to add on? This is so hard for me. I've lost the guy I love as someone I can love, and I lost him as a friend. Its killing me!!
I know who my friends are though. Who's here for me though I did this.
"Fuck up and see who's still there, thats your true friends."

I did fuck up. Its un explainable. Nothing I ever say or do will right it. Yes, whoever may be reading this, I don't care if you hate me too, who ever you may be. I feel so bad.

It is a very big regret. I dont know whats happening now. My Mum and my Dad now both know I broke up with Luke, and they know the whole story. I dont know what to tell them. I plan on saying to them I made out with Damien. Mum knows I had sex with Luke, and yeah. So I dont know any more.

I am so confused. My life is so confusing. Nothing is making sense, and school starts again the day after tomorrow, so its going to be crazy just living for me.

All I wanted when Damien came over was someone to talk to, someone to hug, someone to hold me. Why more? All I want now, is someone I can hold on to, only one person, who can sit there and talk to me, and who can hug me and who I can hug back. Someone to fall asleep cuddling. Why isnt life that simple?

Just before I go... When Damien came over and everything happened, I didn't feel like me.. I have only felt like me so far, when I spent the day with Luke. That day was so good... not as much for the night though. Why can't I go back to when Luke met Hayley and changed everything??? EVERYTHING could have been changed then...

*sigh* no matter what any one believes, I still love Luke, no matter what...
I know I have some friends who I plan on sticking my for the rest of my life, I hope.
I wish I was me again, the me I knew.

Candy
xoxoxo

I stare at myself in the mirror... I study myself.. I recognise who I see, but I dont know them

Long 'n Large

Well, that last post really wasnt the longest post of mine but meh I dont care, it seemed like a lot of typing.
Maybe it was, or maybe it was just because I kept on getting destracted by talking to all the other people and yeah organising and stuff

Well, its final. My dad is coming to austalia in June... YAY! I get to see him for the first time in like what... 5 years now?? I dont know what he is going to think of me. And I want Luke there, I dont know what my dad will think of him either... It's going to be fun though, we are going down to the Gold Coast for that time he is here.

I keep getting distracted!! Its taken me nearly 2 hours just to write this. Oh well I'll get into it soon.

Ok now I have time to write, and write I shall.

I so can not wait for tomorrow night!! Party at Luke's place... its going to be good! I plan on going and egging his ex's place... it would be soo good. I dont wanna get like drunk though, coz its like around his parents and I dont want them thinking bad of me or anything. That would really suck. But yeah all round I think its goin to be good. They are bringing over the Sexual Panda's equiptment so they can play and go pycho... I missed out last time
I still think there is some sort of conspiracy about why I wasnt invited at Damiens the other day... something is going on there.... but I dont care, I really dont as long as I have Luke as mine, I am happy and I couldnt give a fuck about anything else in the world.

Really I couldnt. Thats why I am looking forward to Tuesday. I hope its going to be like I want it to be. It would be rad if he took me somewhere nice during the day then like something either really sweet or something small for dinner but it would be AWESOME if we could go to the beach when its dark for a few hours or something. I dont know where or how we would get around, but meh. LEAVE ME ALONE I'M ALLOWED TO DREAM ... heh heh heh.

Meh I really miss Luke. I'm used to being with him alot more, like I was about 2 -3 weeks ago. I wish it was like that now. I love his company so much I really do. He's worried about me getting sick of him, but I dont think it would work. 6 months and I was sick of Dean. and thats DEAN think about it, he was the worst bf... well not really, but he turned out to be. And then there is Luke, He is sweet, thinks of me, just does all round sweet stuff, says the right things, just all round good looking and perfect!!

I really think I should stop ranting and raving on about Luke, but hey thats what these things are for. I dont know any one who reads mine anymore, I hardly know any one that DID!! So yeah this is almost like a private diary I guess. But still, I dont trust it because randoms could one day just read it. Every one else has given up on their posts too. Either given up or just very slack (like me!) So yeah I dunno.... mind blank soz my bad!

I really havnt been sleeping well, I figured that out last night. My sleeping pattern has fully changed now. I dont sleep until at least 1 in the morning normally, and I am normally woken up earlyish .. but I'm good for the day... But the surprise is that today I slept about 11-12 hours. I was really surprised. My eating habbits are getting worse too. I havnt been eating much. I think today is kinda like a catch up day... I think its been almost normal, I had a tiny breakfast and not much dinner.... but yer I dont htink its that normall lol normally I am like a pig when it comes to food, I really am. There is some foods I cant resist, like just mostly at times when I feel for it I can eat very large amounts of junk food at most times. Or just some other just random foods

I hate being female sometimes, with some ways I act like I can be male, I reckon I can be friends easier with guys, unlike with females. I've noticed that, I have way more male friends than female friends. It gets annoying though. I have some close friends though. I'll rate them

So there is Alex, She's what I would call my best friend. I wish I was closer to her though. I need to talk to her more than I do now. It would be coll as, even though she has her bad sides, like being too loud. She needs to quieten down, or just turn the pitch down. That would be handy. Other wise she is one of the nicest, coolest people I know. Really. Rating: Bestie

Everyone must know Luke. He's my bf. I cant imagine ANYTHING without him anymore. He makes me feel so happy, he makes me feel special. Like I have a reason or something. But I always worry so much about somehting fucking up between me and him. I dont want that to ever happen. He's the best thing in my life. Perfect. Rating: Steady Boyfriend

And of course Damien. I've known him since I was going out with my ex from before Dean. He was such a cool friend. I dont know whats happened, but since I've been going out with Luke, I've just felt he doesnt like me. There is something... I dont know... something... Rating: Boyfriends Best friend.

Then Ashley... She's cool as! Really she is. She is so fun to be with! She's radical, a great mate who will listen and be there, but can make everything good too I guess. Radical. Rating: Close Friend.

Hayley... She's awesome!!! she's awesome fun to be around aswell, she's in opn most of my evil plans!! Mwuahahaha. She lives too far away!! The bad thing is she is close to Luke aswell, and yeah it sucks, but its awesome in a way!! She reminds me of me in a way.. COOL! Rating: Close Friend.

Josh, He's awesome. He's like Luke, I've known him for years aswell. But I've met him like once, He's a really close friend of mine who I like tell everything, he's who I bitch to when I have stuff to bitch about. He's the kinda person who's shoulder I cry on, or who's arm I punch when I'm angry, just like that and all. He's awesome. Rating: Close Friend.

There's Alex aswell. I've known him since primary school, but only really kinda like talked to him much in the last year, and more so in the past few months. As I get to know him I dont feel so wierd around him, because he's like the other guys in a way (lol) they are all like into games and nerdy stuff, but I kinda know what he means sometimes so yeah its not that bad. Rating: Friend

There's heaps more but I think I am jsut getting lazy again, it is almost 1 in the morning. I'll probably go to the toilet, go to bed and read a bit then sleep, but I cant sleep all day, some stupid plumber is coming in to fix our goddamn toilet. It is fucked, it just doesnt fill up with water again. It sucks!!!

Then later on if he comes early (I hope so!) I get to go to Luke's earlier and like straighten his hair heh heh heh. I reckon that would look really cool. Anyways I think I should head off now. The need to go to the toilet and the fact that all the lights are getting to bright for my eyes to handle is kinda telling me I'm getting a little tired.

Catch you guys later

Candy
xoxoxox

P.s. I would post a pic of Luke if I could get that goddamn thing to work. Help on that somehow?

demonology and heartache

Well, that last post was created and written by Hayley Kidd.
That was a good night, a really good night... and an EXCELLENT morning! It was full of rampaging and climbing on scools roofs and pointless walking. Then Hayley and I watched the sunrise.... and in respect of the guys... we dropped OUR pantz (no one was around) *sigh* what a good Sunrise.
NEED to do it again, Hayley!!

I got to see Luke! FINALLY !!! Yay I have been missing him so much! Its been awesome being able to see him after like a week... haha such a long time!
There was one thing though... The "shindig" at Damiens... I have such a feeling that it was more then just everyone thinking that I was sick. Yeah I had a fever... well, a high temperature the night before. But that was gone the next day. I was fine!! Its so unfair! But still something else... I can sense it lol either that or I am just crazy... I think I can sense it AND I am crazy!

Hayley got to spend heaps of time with Luke when he was working for like that week I didnt see him. its unfair! I'm so jealous heh heh. But I really am, after Luke told me he liked her for about a week... it just makes me worry so much. I know there isnt anything going on, but from people telling me... feelings dont die. But I dont care coz he's mine and I love Luke!! MWUahahahahahaha. I dunno. Can you tell I am tired? But I havnt been sleeping much or eating well but I don't know why. The only time I have slept good lately is when Luke slept over last night. When he stayed over two nights ago, I only got about 2 hours sleep. I was either not tired (which I obviously wasnt) or just happy that Luke was there coz I really did miss him heaps.
I wasnt tired the next day either, and I dont really drink coffee, because yeah something about it isnt right with me I dont know why.

There is so much more I want to say, that I want to go on about but yeah its just not how it goes with this kinda stuff...

I just wanna be curled up sleeping well in Luke's arms right now... That would be nice... or just randomly waking up, and he's there next to me. I would be like... YEY!
I think I ramble too much. I think thats why alot of people dislike me.
Oh well life sucks, you move on.

Hmm did I mention I had some of the best fights with Luke's ex? *sigh* she has the worst come backs and she just doesnt know how to insult. She makes up so much stuff. Its rather hilarious, really. I feel bad though. Luke and her had a fight over me. Its not what I wanted to happen, I dont want Luke to like stop being friends with people coz of me (DEAN WAS NOT MY FAULT HE REACTED BAD) but yeah, in a way it is what I wanted too because I think some time Steph would try something on Luke and for that she would pay if she ever did anything she would regret.
I know Luke wouldnt do anything he regrets, well, I hope not, but I trust him, because I love him =) any one heard enough yet?

I think this is my longest ever ramble. Wow. How amazing.

I shall also do a tally, as Damien did. I have 2 months worth of blogs, Decemberand January.
Decembers total: 16 yay!! thats a good number =) well, it is now!
January (so far): 2 *cough* well, going to be 3... and a big 3 that will be.

I plan on making this the longest and most pointless blog ever.

well, I hope to anyways. Eyelids are slowly getting heavy. Any music on is just getting plain annoying no matter how good the music.
So this blog will have to end here. Sorry to dissapoint anyone if they acturly were interested in reading this *ha*

im radical

hey its candy just like 2 say im rad :D yewww & pacifiers rock!

Happy New Year!!! YEEEW

I've just realised I'm getting a bit slack on the blogging... my bad! But its not like anyone really reads them or something... There is the occasional but meh

Lately everything has been awesome! Mum got her first pay, so all's been good! She's paid for Alex's guitar, which is now MINE!!! Yeah the washing machine blew up, but its a good thing... mum bought a brand new good one for less than the second hand shit one we had.

New Years was FUCKING RAD! I got trashed it was great! I had like almost a whole champaigne bottle to myself, about 2-4 beers, some cask wine, about 1/4 of a sparkling wine bottle... thats enough for me to be sick, which I was, for about an hour... But I dont care, coz it wasnt too bad, and I didnt get a hangover!!! FUCK YEAH!!! Luke was drunk all night too lol...

*sigh* It was such a good night... Damien might want to do something about his bedroom wall just behind the door. And who ever can do whatever they want in the park near Damiens against some persons fence who has a dog =P Just thought I would inform anyone who reads this if it didnt involve them =P

But all round it was a good night. Listened to Damien and Luke jammin'... they are awesome! There is this one song they play... it gets very fast... Luke's been practising you can tell, he can move his hands so fast hahahah... *sigh* what a suss world I live in. But it's great hah hah... Well Luke is anyways ;)

Oh well life's just been great all round lately. It really has, except for I cant sleep anymore without Luke... I thought I would get out of that soon but obviously not. I've been missing him more lately. My days are very uneventful when I havnt got people over, or something to do. I seriously sit here and have nothing better to do. All day. Nothing. Thats about it. Everyone lives too far away except for Damien but I have strange felings he doesnt really like me.. but I guess lately I've kinda had that feeling all the time.

I talked to Nadine today. Well, it was more of a surprise because she was the one who last told me to not talk to her ever again practically… But oh well, its “a new thing for her to be nice” Because I asked her what she was talking to me for and she said she was trying something new. Called “being nice”.

Well I think I shall just stop while I’m ahead and catch up on my life again later…

Love
Candy
xoxoxoxox

RANDOM: We’ve fallen in love, we’ve fallen in lo-oove, it was the best idea I ever had.