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Well every one has heard about what happened with me and Damien.
I know what happened the whole night, and if you want the whole story of what happened, the link is http://damino-effect.blogspot.com/2005/01/another-early-morning-post.html
I cant say it didn't happen, I cant deny that I didnt do anything back.

But since Luke is gone from my life, since he broke up with me. In a way I havnt been me, I havnt been like this before. It's like I've been me, in control, but someone else in a way, but not like a split personality.. like... oh, gosh this is so hard to explain.. Without me sounding like a paranormal freak...
Its like something else is me. Like I cant be me anymore. Like when Damien came over, I was ready to tell him no, don't try anything on me if u were thinking of it, you are Luke's best friend!
And yet he proceeded to.. and I did nothing except sit there and do what I did... kiss him back and so on and so forth...
But I think about what happened now. I dont see how I didnt stop him. God I was an emotional trainwreck. If any other time when I wasnt in the whole depressive whats-going-on-in-my-life state I was in everything would be different.

But now I am hated by Luke. He hates me, Tina hates me, Hayley hates me, Steph hates me. Any others to add on? This is so hard for me. I've lost the guy I love as someone I can love, and I lost him as a friend. Its killing me!!
I know who my friends are though. Who's here for me though I did this.
"Fuck up and see who's still there, thats your true friends."

I did fuck up. Its un explainable. Nothing I ever say or do will right it. Yes, whoever may be reading this, I don't care if you hate me too, who ever you may be. I feel so bad.

It is a very big regret. I dont know whats happening now. My Mum and my Dad now both know I broke up with Luke, and they know the whole story. I dont know what to tell them. I plan on saying to them I made out with Damien. Mum knows I had sex with Luke, and yeah. So I dont know any more.

I am so confused. My life is so confusing. Nothing is making sense, and school starts again the day after tomorrow, so its going to be crazy just living for me.

All I wanted when Damien came over was someone to talk to, someone to hug, someone to hold me. Why more? All I want now, is someone I can hold on to, only one person, who can sit there and talk to me, and who can hug me and who I can hug back. Someone to fall asleep cuddling. Why isnt life that simple?

Just before I go... When Damien came over and everything happened, I didn't feel like me.. I have only felt like me so far, when I spent the day with Luke. That day was so good... not as much for the night though. Why can't I go back to when Luke met Hayley and changed everything??? EVERYTHING could have been changed then...

*sigh* no matter what any one believes, I still love Luke, no matter what...
I know I have some friends who I plan on sticking my for the rest of my life, I hope.
I wish I was me again, the me I knew.

Candy
xoxoxo

I stare at myself in the mirror... I study myself.. I recognise who I see, but I dont know them