a change of direction

Well lately everything has been a little bit different…
I went out to the movies last night, with some one I care about. With someone who says they care about me. I really like this person; he shall remain nameless for now. I really do care, the more I see him the more I think about him and the more I miss him. I really think I could love him easily…. I just hope to fucking hell that I am not wasting my time just to get hurt or something, I hope I am not being played. I really don’t want to be hurt again, I don’t want to feel what I was feeling, I really don’t want to go back to that. He is really special, really something. Its Vinny, Alex’s ex… Supposedly he has liked me for ages. When I was going out with Dean. Before he went out with Alex. That’s really something I think. He’s so sweet. I love spending time with him, I really want something to come out of us. As he says, and I agree with... “This could be the start of something special”…
Also there is Barton lol. I don’t even know him well, all I know about him is that he lives on the gold coast, his name is Barton. But lol as a joke I guess he asked me to marry him. Rather funny really. So one night on the net I got Asha to “marry” us :-P. So now we are “married”. But I think a divorce is soon to be in need.
Well I met Barton from Josh… Josh that I have known for years, Josh that I relied on, Josh that I was really close to. One day he does to me what he does to Ellie, his ex. He started going off at me for something I know I wasn’t doing. He was accusing me for being moody and stuff. I know I wasn’t being moody. Then we got over that ordeal, and my other friend Alex asked me if I forgave him. I was confused, the way Alex was talking it seemed like he wanted me to not forgive him. So I told him yeah but I wasn’t sure if I should be, because I am always too forgiving. They both must have misunderstood me, because that’s what’s just made Josh hate me. So we started talking again, and he was all moody and he didn’t see it. He was the worst! The way he was he is the biggest asshole I know. And he wonders why Ellie was always so upset. No way was she in the bad, as Josh always told me. I talked to Ellie about how Josh was being to me. Now he’s going off at me for something I didn’t do again!! He is accusing me for saying shit that I didn’t say. I never said he was playing her! I never said that he doesn’t love her!! I didn’t say he treats everyone the same way! Gosh!! I really don’t care anymore. He is a cunt and I don’t want anything to do with him anymore.
Now to talk about Alex. The one of two Alex’s. This is the male Alex. He just recently (as in yesterday) came back from a trip overseas… from…yeah, that place…
I missed him, I missed his support when I was in that bad time. I am really glad that he is back. I feel weird though because he’s taking my side instead of Josh’s… I thought he would have taken Josh’s side. Oh well!
Spent the weekend at Asha’s. Friday night = Youth. I saw someone I haven’t seen for years there. I remember him from when Luke used to come over with his mates all those years ago. Leon Kunde. He “bashed” Luke some time last year. Yeah I won’t get into all the details too much.
Saturday was fun, sitting Jammin’ on the electric and acoustics all day. Good, good fun. We found out on that day (both of us) who liked us. Its was cool. Yeah … that’s when Asha was told by Vinny… well, when Asha asked and he said yeah and all…
so its been pretty good. What an uplifting week. :-) Except that Josh is gone, but thats for the better.
I’m off, for now.
Catcha’s
Candy

xoxoxo

Rejection (edited)

Life is getting me down way to much. I need to start being happier,... I'm starting to worry myself!
I'm so doomed to being single forever. When I find people I like, they either dont want a gf or dont look at me that way. I really want someone I care for me there for me (damn rhymes) but like someone I can hang out with and have fun or just sit and cuddle sometimes or something. But that aint happening any time soon I dont think...
I told Dan about how I am and why I am so depressed and he is really helping me now, he's the best aye. He gives really great comfort huggles :P

I dont know what I am feeling any more... all thats really here is this overwhelming sense of loneliness... but meh I guess I will have to live

Andrew thinks I am all lonely coz of sex that I cant go without 2 weeks and I am like what the fuck? I hate everything now, people think I am some toy or some sex object or something. Its really annoyin me. Any one lately that doesnt respect girls really gets on my bad side for a while. Its just because I have had sex.

I am so short tempered lately, I really need to cheer up. Anyways I shall stop being so depressing.. or try to be...
Catcha's
Candy
xoxoxoxo

what a good night :-)

Well this is just my early morning blog informing you of my party events.
Its was a really really bad night to start out with until about 10-11 o'clock. Which resulted in me being alone and comforted by Brad and Joel for some of that time. Every one wanted to bash "the guy wearing the mask", i.e. Joel. I dont see why really. He's really nice and awesome aswell. I dont see why people have a problem with someone wearing a long trenchcoat and a mask, really, its something I would do.
Michael was being a complete dickhead. He was the first one drunk, and proceeded to be that for the rest of the night. He was trying to get intimate with pretty much every girl there. Wanting them to give him head or grabbing their hands and putting them on his penis. Seriously!! AND to make things worse, HE HAS A FUCKING GIRLFRIEND!!
Every one else was reasonable I guess.... I didnt see much of Hayley or Luke... so yeah I guess that was one of the things getting me down. Also everyone was going over to my neighbors house, getting stoned. Which resulted in Olivia... doing drugs for the first time... tripping out hardcore, and being the first to pass out.
Then some people left, others arrived and I guess everything was starting to even out.
Then Steven calls me, wanting to gate crash with about 6 or so people. I tell him I dont mind, so they all come over. And THAT results in me leaning on every one's shoulder until I find someone's shoulder I like... lol.... and I found it. I really did, and I know him from his sister eh eh eh lol.
Tiff and Tegan ended up being bribed into flashing the guys, who ended up playing a mean trick on Tiff. She flashed Sean and they took a pic. and that is going to be posted on someone's site. No names, no links. Sorry all u desperate guys :-P
Anyways, they all went off to watch the big flash, except for one. The one person who I took a liking in his shoulder. His name is Matt Murtagh. Kelly's older bro. I kinda took a liking to him. Then Tegan goes and flashed him, and lets him have a grab. I was like ok then you do that but it didnt bother me, I didnt think I would get any where with any one.
So we (Sean, Steven, Mattoy Tegan and I) went for a walk down to the Caltex on Redland Bay Road. Steven then preceeded to tell me to hook up with Mattoy, that he said in a way he likes me and all, and he didnt like Tegan really. I said I dont know, I would if he really wanted me to.
He was pushing me for most of the night, but I let it happen when I wanted it to happen. I really do like him now... I think this is my way to be really over Luke... I have found someone who really respects girls, and who I can care for and hopefully care back.
I wonder what Kells would think if I went out with her bro. Not that that is going to happen, its his decision, I'm not going to say no.
But anyways off the subject a bit there...
Matt and I ended up making out for the rest of the night, and Sean Steven Tegan Andrew Matt and I went down to the primary school and sat on the cricket pitch on the oval to watch the sunrise. Me cuddled in Matts arms, watching the sun slowly rise, it was rather nice.
I hope I get to talk to him again soon, tell him how I feel and see is he feels the same, not just like it was something or someone to make out with while he was drunk. I really hope not, I dont want to get hurt again. I dont want to leave myself vulnerable but I think I want and need someone there for me too much.
So I am writing this now, at 6 am while Brad is passed out on the couch behind me, Tom and Vinny passed out on the blow up matress beside me and Tegan sitting right next to me watch what I write. Oh also Andrew sitting in front at the table eating something and reading a book... he doesnt even know what the book is!!
there are also the girls upstairs and mum is still asleep. I hope I didnt annoy her too much from last night.

In a way I am glad I wasnt wasted last night, I guess its good I didnt. i wonder how things are going with Ash, I have so much to tell her. She missed out on a lot. Wish she could have stayed the night, that would have been AWESOME. but she didnt so oh well. Her loss. I'm really glad things are as they are right now. I hope something eventuates between Mattoy and I... But oh well if they dont, doomed to single-ness I shall be.

Catcha's!!!
Candy
xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo :-)

deception, depression is all that I've got

Man the last few days have been a nightmare. I had a really awesome day on my bday, and after my bday. Now its really sucking again. There is soo much about my life I hate at the moment.
I thought me and Luke were all good... and now he isnt really talking to me much. Its really getting to me. I had what I wanted, what I thought I could keep. but ... since Ashley told Luke she likes him... its made me feel like shit. He hasnt really talked to me since, he's always either texting her or she's talking about him, and I am so worried Ashley is going to get hurt, or mainly, Hayley getting hurt. If Luke makes a wrong move I am going to personally kill him. OMG I would not be able to stand it if either Asha or Haylz were hurt. by the way Luke is acting with Ash (from what I am hearing) I am really cut at Luke already...
Talking about Luke... I miss him alot, and I will for a while. I would give anything to be in his arms like I was the other night when Luke came around. I miss being his friend as I was for like that two days. I miss him more when he was something else though. I was so happy then... not like I am now... I swear I am getting another mild state if depression. I think last night kicked it off.
Mum and I had a huge argument last night... which ended up with me SI... I am not proud of myself... I hated how I was those years ago when I was like now. I feel like shit all the time.
I'm losing people in my life. Why does it always happen to me? People just leave... i.e... my dad, Ryan and in a way Luke. Now Josh. I bet you there are others I didnt mention and there are also more to come.

I so need someone there for me, like someone I can sit and cuddle and have that spark when we cuddle, and maybe that person could be my bf and I could get that spark when we kissed... and I know the feeling of that spark... I wish I had it back... and him too...
there are some guys I am interested in kind of. But I dont know if I am much, maybe I am just really wanting someone there or something.
there is Tim. one of Alex's many ex's... I dont know how much I like him, if I do. I really like being with him whenever I am at school and there is that nice ness about him and all. But Alex might get a bit cut. I know she still likes him after she went out with him three times and all, but you can tell he doesnt or even didnt like her.
And there is Dan. And he is like wow. He's like almost a perfect guy. He's sooo great. Like he has the looks, the body, the great hugging, the nicest personality and he is always there to care whenever I am upset, whenever any one is upset really. The problem is he may not like me, and he has just recently gotten together with Miranda. So I wont interfere with that. What a loss for me. I would be the LUCKIEST girl to get Dan, he's really awesome. And I dont know how I would go in a relationship any time soon.
everything to do with a reltionship involving me kind of scares me. I dont want to get hurt, or end up hurting anyone. But I think I need someone there, to get over Luke. I dont think it would happen otherwise. I will just be sitting here single forever watching him get lots of new gfs, or being in a really long steady relationship... losing him more and more... it just owuldnt help...

I dont know what to do with anything. I feel so depressed. Majorly depressed. Its not like me to SI any more really... and then I did... so thats kind of saying something. Life is getting so hard, life at 25 was improving... for a whole 48 hours... wow.. .*rolls eyes* Why me? Why do I make so many mistakes in life?
I think I need help
and with that note I shall end this blog...
Candy
xoxoxo

Well this is Hayley and Luke. Finally together like I knew it would happen.
I havn't blogged for a while coz I don't know what to say. So much is going on!
I think Luke is playing with my ind, confusing me, and maybe himself. He needs to make up his mind and tell me what he really feels. Every day I get something new which isnt what he said the day before!
I dont know whats going on. I'm getting closer to Josh. but I cant make anything of it becasue he lives on the coast. Thats like 2 hours away. It just wouldnt work.
I dont think I am ready for another bf anyways. I'm not over Luke, but I'm notso not over Luke that I would be all like jealous and wanna kill them both if I saw Haylz and Luke together.
I would admit, I would be jealous. But its only coz they have what I miss and all...

I am so glad I have people like Ashley in my life. I really bond with her and I trust her heaps and all. We are so alike it scares me sometimes!

I got my ring that Luke bought me confiscated today... you're allowed one ring I swear you are!! I just feel so depressed and empty without it. Its so mean! I was like crying on my mate Jesse's shoulder because that ring means so much to me. I don't know why its making me so upset but it is and yeah I cant explain it. I think its because I miss Luke or something.

Well I think I will end this here.
I dont know anything else to comment on really. Oh well...
I'll write more another time.
Catchas
Candy
xoxoxo