deception, depression is all that I've got

Man the last few days have been a nightmare. I had a really awesome day on my bday, and after my bday. Now its really sucking again. There is soo much about my life I hate at the moment.
I thought me and Luke were all good... and now he isnt really talking to me much. Its really getting to me. I had what I wanted, what I thought I could keep. but ... since Ashley told Luke she likes him... its made me feel like shit. He hasnt really talked to me since, he's always either texting her or she's talking about him, and I am so worried Ashley is going to get hurt, or mainly, Hayley getting hurt. If Luke makes a wrong move I am going to personally kill him. OMG I would not be able to stand it if either Asha or Haylz were hurt. by the way Luke is acting with Ash (from what I am hearing) I am really cut at Luke already...
Talking about Luke... I miss him alot, and I will for a while. I would give anything to be in his arms like I was the other night when Luke came around. I miss being his friend as I was for like that two days. I miss him more when he was something else though. I was so happy then... not like I am now... I swear I am getting another mild state if depression. I think last night kicked it off.
Mum and I had a huge argument last night... which ended up with me SI... I am not proud of myself... I hated how I was those years ago when I was like now. I feel like shit all the time.
I'm losing people in my life. Why does it always happen to me? People just leave... i.e... my dad, Ryan and in a way Luke. Now Josh. I bet you there are others I didnt mention and there are also more to come.

I so need someone there for me, like someone I can sit and cuddle and have that spark when we cuddle, and maybe that person could be my bf and I could get that spark when we kissed... and I know the feeling of that spark... I wish I had it back... and him too...
there are some guys I am interested in kind of. But I dont know if I am much, maybe I am just really wanting someone there or something.
there is Tim. one of Alex's many ex's... I dont know how much I like him, if I do. I really like being with him whenever I am at school and there is that nice ness about him and all. But Alex might get a bit cut. I know she still likes him after she went out with him three times and all, but you can tell he doesnt or even didnt like her.
And there is Dan. And he is like wow. He's like almost a perfect guy. He's sooo great. Like he has the looks, the body, the great hugging, the nicest personality and he is always there to care whenever I am upset, whenever any one is upset really. The problem is he may not like me, and he has just recently gotten together with Miranda. So I wont interfere with that. What a loss for me. I would be the LUCKIEST girl to get Dan, he's really awesome. And I dont know how I would go in a relationship any time soon.
everything to do with a reltionship involving me kind of scares me. I dont want to get hurt, or end up hurting anyone. But I think I need someone there, to get over Luke. I dont think it would happen otherwise. I will just be sitting here single forever watching him get lots of new gfs, or being in a really long steady relationship... losing him more and more... it just owuldnt help...

I dont know what to do with anything. I feel so depressed. Majorly depressed. Its not like me to SI any more really... and then I did... so thats kind of saying something. Life is getting so hard, life at 25 was improving... for a whole 48 hours... wow.. .*rolls eyes* Why me? Why do I make so many mistakes in life?
I think I need help
and with that note I shall end this blog...
Candy
xoxoxo