at school

Well I always seem to do these kinds of blogs at school.
I have another rant and rave of how I'm feeling, and thats completely crap. I just want it to be Sunday, ffs. Why must I always torture myself with so many emotions, so many feelings. I have my necklace back from Ryan, we swapped back at lunch today. And we talked. And he told me he likes this girl he's always liked from Maryborough, and he told how he wanted them to go out , and how he wanted them to work, and that they may go to the same uni. and that really makes me feel like shit. its been two days and he's over me? LAST NIGHT HE TOLD ME HE STILL LOVED ME. My god. What do I do, I almost cried before.
My Cutting is getting worse. heaps worse
I just want it to stop, I wanna be able to stop cutting. I dont think I can, its starting to get normal again, I dont want to be how I was, I dont want to turn out like Lisa, or Jamie, or someone who relies on cutting every day. I am starting to scare myself. I need to get out, I need to go places, I dont want to be home anymore. I go home to an empty house 4 days a week. I sit on the computer, doing nothing, I play guitar all the time too, but thats about all.
I sit home alone 4 nights a week, on the computer playing guitar and cutting
wow eventful
doesnt sound that great to me
I want it to be sunday, I just want it to be sunday right now. On Sunday I am going to the city and spending time with Luke, I hope. I want to so bad. I am so thinking about wagging a whole day and just going to the city, hey my mother wont know she isnt home TO know. I just need someone there, if just for 5mins so I can feel normal.
I feel so bad, I cant be home alone but I feel so un social that I dont want to go out now, because I'm always home alone. I wanna go out to the city, I want to get away for a while. I get to be myself then. I get to go out how I want and just... be me. I dont know when the bell is going to go but I hope that I write as much as I can so maybe, just maybe I can feel better. But I doubt that will happen.
I want things to end for me, maybe I wont screw peoples lives up any more I wont hurt other people I dont know I think the only person I'm not doing it for is my mother.
I love the safety of this site, no one reads blogger accounts any more. well none of my friends. I dont want them to read it I dont want them to be all upset and stuff
that would just be too hard for me. i dont know everything is screwed
well I'm going to write another blog later
hated forever
candy

Random

Well I don’t know if any one is going to read this I'm pretty sure 100% that no one will read this. So I'm going to spill everything I've felt for a long time onto this blog... I am probably going to delete it later too, I don’t know why. It’s just how I've felt...


Okay I'm going to go back a long time and go on about shit from then. I'm going to start with Ryan. I thought we would last. When the relationship started things were so perfect, things were so great, I thought I actually had gotten over Luke Boyce for a while... yet that didn't last... me and Ryan were great for about *ALMOST* 2 months. And I mean great. Yet he fucked up. And I mean FUCKED UP. I’ll explain. Normally I wouldn’t write anything at all like this on my blog but fuck it no one I know is going to read it. Good luck if any one else finds it. Ryan really fucked up. The night before his and mine’s 2 months, we go to bed and I tell him ‘no’ to doing anything. So it’s about 12, I go to sleep. I wake up at about 2, 2.30ish. I wake up with my bra undone. I wake up, with Ryan’s hand just… playing with my boobs. I felt so scared, angry, violated. Yet I pretend to be asleep, so I could see what he does. He stops after a while, TRIES to do up my bra again, fails obviously, and turns around. I then STORM out of my room and downstairs, about to break something. He then DARED to call out ‘what’s wrong?’ OH MY FUCKING GOD!!! How DARE he call that out? I mean like… that’s so …despicable. I was so much angrier for that question of his… He comes down stairs, and then he asked again. I replied with you UFCKING KNOW. We had a massive blowout fight. Well, I did. I yelled at him for what felt like 2 hours. I just then walked up back to my room after hearing his pathetic excuses. And they were PATHETIC. My god, it still makes me angry to think about it now. I sat in my room for what also felt like hours, I got up, got dressed all rugged up, and I went for a long walk, to clear my head. It was either I break up with him, or break his nose. I should have chosen to break his nose or break up with him.
Now, moving on.
Since then, Ryan and me haven’t been the same. I just got more and more steadily depressed, so goddamn depressed I’ve been cutting for about 2 weeks. Ryan and I stayed together for about 3 ½ months. That’s an extra month and a half. I don’t know how I did it. I think I did it for him. Why I would do anything for him, after he did that... Well, yeah, I don’t know. So now that’s over.
Now I am going to track back a couple days, if not months. On Saturday night, about 4 days ago, my ex, Luke Boyce came over. And he told me the most unexpected thing and the most fucked up thing ever. I was kind of expecting it, kind of anticipating it. Just by the way he was acting. He came over for about an hour. And he was his old self, the guy I fell in love with about 10 months ago. We talked, he was telling me heaps that I was hot. And then when he had to go, I asked him what he was thinking. He looked me deep in the eyes, and told me he missed me. Missed me a LOT. Then he softly kissed me… My god, it’s just like what I had been waiting for, for all these months. It’s really sad, I know. But fuck, you don’t get over someone like he was that quickly. And everyone always told me how well we were together.
And now he tells me he misses me. And has for a while. He’s even said to me he still loves me. I don’t know if it’s a dream, or a cruel harsh joke. But my god, does he know how to play with emotions if it is a cruel, harsh joke. I’m supposedly going to see him this weekend. I think it’s a good thing, I don’t know. At least if I do by some great miracle, get back with him, I wont have to feel weird with how I dress any more. I dress more punk/goth than any of my friends, so I wont feel as bad anymore. Luke’s style has changed heaps though. He’s fully emo. But he’s the person he always was. It’s so hard to explain. I just think I am getting myself into trouble again. Yet this time I welcome it, maybe, just maybe to be happy again, just for a while, in a relationship.
Ok now to go forwards again. Confusing blog, isn’t it?
When Ryan and I broke up, I’ll say it was messy, but it also wasn’t. I don’t know how well that sentence works but it does. I was really, really getting screwed up with the depression. Manically cutting again. Must stop that… I hope to all hell I don’t rely on it and it isn’t a habit again… I can’t tell until I go to bed any more. Back to the break-up… I went over to his place after school, after I was sick of me hurting so much. And I talked to him how I was feeling, my opinions of us. He didn’t want to break up. Understandable, I’m his first girlfriend. But I had to let him know how much I was hurting. I wanted to break up, but I don’t have the guts to do that. And all it does is hurt people more. I went home and then later that night I get a call from Ryan telling me he’s been thinking about it and that I was right about what I had told him, and that he wanted to end it. So I was kind of really shocked at that response. But yes.
Now all I have is this weird feeling. I can’t handle being alone. I don’t know why. I just feel really depressed when I’m alone. I just... don’t know why. I’m listening to music, its Finch. Luke sent this music to me. And all of these songs are just so fucking meaningful to me. I mean like… example…
once again your eyes make it hard to ask you why
so i sit here knuckles tight

whoa, there's something in the air tonight
something that makes me feel alive and i say
whoa, what were the words that you said to me
that made me feel so special now

stay with me
cigarettes and open air, hand in hand
i said stay with me
cuz every star that i see is brighter than the last
so stay with me

Where do you run to so far away?
I want you to know that I miss you I miss you so

I'm writing again these letters to you aren't much, I know
But i'm not sleeping and you're not hereThe thought stops my heart
What did I expect?
Did I see forever
In you?
I never wanted it to hurt
More than it should.
I hope your satisfied,
I never could.

Time to close my eyes
Forget about this mess.
Try to fix this trajic loss of innocence.

But how can I forget,
The things I haven't done.
When everything is dead?

Yeah well that’s some lyrics from some Finch songs… It hurts so much sometimes… yet I always try and get through it... and fail… oh well… I feel really depressed at the moment, I really need some people to talk to but everyone is off in their own worlds tonight… I’m going to try and talk to Luke again… I don’t really have the concentration span to write more on this now… I may just write more on this blog more often, no one reads it anymore…
Hurting always
Candy